Nailing Your Relationship Check-In
Let’s talk about relationship check-ins!
Do you formally check in on your relationships? How regularly? Are your relationship check-ins exclusive to your romantic relationships?
Why check-in at all?
Why is it important to formally check in on your relationships? Open communication is a necessary component of secure attachment. When we leave things up to assumption, we make mistakes and wind up contributing to communication mishaps and relationship ruptures that could be avoided.
Check-ins not only ensure that everyone stays on the same page, if happening with consistency they contribute to the overall comfort and security level in the relationship. When we are confident that the issues that arise have a time and place to be addressed, it is easier for us to relax our nervous system when activated, and table important conversations if necessary while sustaining a trusting and supportive connection.
HOT TAKE ~ Relationship check-ins should not be exclusive to romantic relationships!
Even platonic connections can benefit from intentional checking-in every now and again.
But how do we facilitate a relationship check-in? What is the setup? What should be discussed?
Read on for more inspo…
R.A.D.A.R.
A format for relationship check-ins created by the hosts of the Multiamory Podcast. Click HERE for the original RADAR content
When first initiating a relationship check-in, it’s a good idea to agree to a specific structure. Structure can help ease nerves during what can be a bit of a daunting process, especially for people who are not used to talking about the health of their relationships or their feelings in general. Structure can also help over-processors to stay on track, preventing derailing the conversation with too many tangents and side agendas.
The RADAR acronym is easy enough to remember:
- REVIEW events that have happened since the last check-in
- AGREE to the agenda for the current check-in
- DISCUSS relevant thoughts, feelings, requests, takeaways, etc.
- ACTION POINTS for any follow-up action to be taken
- RE-CONNECT intentionally at the end of the check-in
The RADAR structure promotes a dynamic relationship check-in that consists not entirely of processing feelings, but of opportunities for connection, collaboration and strategizing about how to implement the ideas being discussed. When we see the strategies that we create during a check-in in action, trust and relational security are reinforced.
And let’s not minimize the re-connection part!
Think of it as relationship check-in aftercare. Seize the opportunity to drop the mental processing, take a breath, and co-regulate / connect. Typically I recommend doing something non-verbal together. Maybe it’s preparing a meal, taking a walk, sharing a long embrace, watching something together that makes you laugh. Find something that feels organic and unique to your relationship. Celebrate the fact that connection is available, even after a challenging conversation!
Relationship check-ins run smoother when all parties present are adequately resourced
The creators of RADAR and hosts of the Multiamory Podcast have another useful acronym for this: H.A.L.T. They encourage us to stop or HALT and avoid proceeding with a relationship check-in if we are…
Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired (or drunk!)
When we are under-resourced, we have more difficulty regulating strong emotions and staying within our window of tolerance when difficult feelings arise. We also may forget to communicate points that were important to us to discuss, out of sheer fatigue or lack of preparedness.
Don’t treat your relationship check-in like that 9am Zoom meeting that you barely rolled out of bed for in time. Infuse it with a level of intention that reflects the true value of the relationship, and prep yourself with a solid meal and some personal reflection time beforehand.
If you find you are under-resourced or unprepared for a relationship check-in, work with your partner to reschedule it at the soonest available time.
Don’t wait for conflict to arise to check-in on your relationships!
It is common for people to neglect having specific, intentional conversations about their relationship when it feels like things are going well. When conflict arises, however, the need to check-in becomes understandably more urgent.
Here’s the problem with waiting for conflict to arise…
Waiting for conflict to arise before checking-in creates an unhelpful association between conflict and the check-in itself.
Check-ins navigated in this way become a source of stress instead of a source of support. Requests for check-ins are interpreted as signs that something is wrong, and opportunities to celebrate relational gains and wins are placed secondary on the agenda to processing the conflict, if included at all. Predictably, the impulse to avoid talking about the relationship grows stronger when the entirety of every check-in conversation is dedicated to processing conflict.
Furthermore, when not practiced with regularity under more harmonious, stress-free conditions, the relationship check-in structure may be harder to follow, the agenda more difficult to agree to, and the boundaries in the emotional processing portion of the meeting more difficult to enforce.
It’s the same with check-ins as with a coping strategy… to solidify the skill, we need to practice when our system is regulated. The more we practice accessing those neural pathways when our system is calm, the more readily available they’ll be when we are dysregulated.
So… what do we talk about?
If you’ve never had a relationship check-in before, or even if it’s your first one with a particular friend, family member, or partner, it may be difficult to come up with talking points. Here are some ideas to get you started…
Check-in topics may include (but are not limited to):
- Upcoming events / scheduling logistics
- New dates / developments in existing relationships
- STIs / STDs / sexual health updates
- Recent “wins” and relational high-points
- Recent challenges and any related feelings/ requests
- Individual wellbeing & any related support needed
- Current shared responsibilities
- Relationship agreements
- Intentions for the future
- Gratitude & appreciation
As you become more regular with checking-in, topics relevant to your specific relationships will reveal themselves. Sometimes an entire check-in may need to be dedicated to discussing recurring experiences like talking about the transitions between dates, discussing recent metamour dynamics in a kitchen-table format, or reviewing specific communication strategies/ agreements to implement during moments of conflict and tension.
Just make sure to prioritize any agenda items you may be putting on the back-burner the next time that you check-in!
A final thought…
As a therapist (and especially as a non-monogamous therapist), I advocate for my clients to regularly hold formal relationship check-ins as outlined in this post. This however does not remove the need to engage in casual/ informal checking in between the formal sit-downs!
Relationships benefit from solid, consistent communication, so don’t miss out on those small ways to provide feedback and check-in. This might look like a quick “How did your date go?”, or “Are you still feeling good about the plan for this upcoming weekend?”, asked casually and spontaneously.
Sometimes an informal check-in will merit more time for discussion, and therefore will need to be tabled until a formal conversation can be scheduled. If this is the case, make a plan to add it to the agenda for next time, take a breath, and refocus on an activity that reinforces connection and co-regulation.
#relationships #relationshipcheckin #ethicalnonmonogamy #polyamory #communication
