By Melisa De Seguirant, LPC, LMFT ~ Dec 2024
Slaying the Holidays
(As a queer person)
Holiday seasons are often equal parts stress and joy. This year in particular may feel especially heavy for a lot of queer people, like for so many others.
Looking for some inspiration to really slay this holiday season?
Check out the slideshow, then continue the post below!
Holiday Self Care
Some of you might be rolling your eyes… another therapist talking about self care. AGAIN.
Consider this: If you aren’t going to actively care for yourself, who else is?
The holidays might be an especially important time of year to take care of yourself if you are queer… whether you are confronting boundaries with your family of origin, combatting remnants of religious trauma or conditioning, grieving the state of the world, or just trying to survive another year, intentional care may be needed.
Be specific. What specific care do you need this year? It’s easy to reduce self care down to bubble baths and simple feel-good activities, and sometimes that IS just what is needed. Other times, more intentional practices are called for.
What exactly could you benefit from right now? Decompression time? Reduced stimulation? Affirmation? Physical touch? Some uplifting? A bit of hope? A good laugh? Quality time with your chosen family? Community healing rituals?
Self care practices are a lot more impactful when they are specific and unique to your present-moment needs. Continue whatever habitual care practices you have constructed so that you maintain a baseline of caring for your day-to-day needs, but also take some time to consider what additional care would really benefit you this holiday season.
Gay Christmas (aka Halloween) may have passed, but that doesn’t mean we can’t queer up the Yuletide!
Isn’t it interesting that the word gay used to be used to mean joyful, festive, lively & carefree? The term was later applied to refer to homosexuals (in various contexts between the 1920s and 1950s) as a stigma-free term.
Fitting, if you ask me… the LGBTQIA community as a whole is full of life, zeal, and bold, carefree expression! We are the characters of OZ that turned Dorthy’s world technicolor. (Side note… who else is leaning heavily on Wicked to get you through the holidays this year?!)
During a time of year when it’s easy for us to lose steam, and in a political context that makes many of us want to shrink and recoil for protection and preservation, it is important to find those safe-enough spaces to shine your light.
Queer up the holidays. Whatever that means to you. Reclaim them. Make them as merry & bright as you damn well please. Celebrate as an act of resistance. Celebrate not just whatever holidays you may be drawn to… celebrate YOU. Celebrate your queerness. Celebrate your chosen family.
And if you don’t have the energy to celebrate this year, find someone who will be the celebration for you. Soak up their energy. Lean on them. Let them love on you, even just a bit.
You matter.
What does it mean to lean on your chosen family? Why is it important?
First, let’s be clear about what a solid chosen family looks like.
These days many people resonate with the concept of chosen family regardless of their sexual orientation, but the term originated within the queer community. The chosen family became a necessary system of support for members of the LGBTQIA+ community during the AIDS crisis, especially given the rejection and social stigma affected individuals faced.
Chosen family members are the people you choose to keep close in your life, who demonstrate an ability to witness, support and affirm you in a positively impactful way. Like in all relationships there will be occasional conflicts to resolve, but in chosen family relationships resolution and repair should not only be possible, but should be the norm. In this way the chosen family becomes a place in which reparative, corrective experiences happen.
Many people do not experience this kind of support in their family of origins, or simply no longer have access to family of origin whether due to necessary boundaries, losses, or other circumstances. Other queer people experience outright rejection by their family of origin due to their sexual orientation. Gaps in familial relationships often feel more apparent during the holidays when the nuclear family is such a primary focus of marketing and media.
Leaning on your chosen family looks different for each person.
For some, it means simply reaching out and spending time together as others do with their biological families over the holidays. For others, it means actively practicing new patterns of asking for and receiving care to correct habits learned in unsupportive family units.
Take some time to reflect:
Who is in your chosen family? How is mutual support and care practiced within your chosen family? What reparative experiences have you had with them, or would you like to have with them?
What might leaning on your chosen family look like for you this holiday season?
Activism instead of escapism
Community outreach during the holidays isn’t a new idea… many different organizations and people embrace the opportunity to give this time of year in one way or another.
Queer people know that simply giving gifts, food and resources, while necessary, is not sufficient to create the systemic changes so many people need to survive.
Instead of falling into escapism and social withdrawal this holiday season, challenge yourself to engage. The holidays themselves may not be meaningful to you, so find a cause that is. Create meaning and motivation by helping others less privileged than you, in real tangible ways.
Reflect & Brainstorm ~
- What values do you hold or can you adopt related to activism?
- What communities are you uniquely positioned to uplift?
- What gifts, skills, or resources are available to you to offer up to others?
- What action can you take in the next week towards supporting those in need? How about in the next month? The next year?
- What care would it be helpful to receive this time of year as a queer person? Do you have the capacity to offer that care to someone else?
- What personal resourcing do you need to attend to to refill the well so that you are able to show up for others?
#queerholidays #queerjoy #pride #chosenfamily #activism #slay
Melisa is a licensed psychotherapist practicing in the states of Oregon and California, and specializing in working with individuals within the queer, polyamorous/ ethically non-monogamous and neurodivergent communities.