Overcoming Setbacks in Life & Relationships
How ridiculous would it be if every time a baby fell while learning how to walk we threw our hands up in the air and said, “Well that’s it! I guess they are never going to get it. Might as well stop trying.”
What do we do instead? We clap our hands, shout murmurs of affirmation… we encourage them to try again.
What if we did the same for ourselves when we misstep or fall?
REFLECT
What setbacks have you experienced in your life? How did they impact you? What did it take to overcome them? Did you adopt any negative or limiting beliefs about yourself as a result of those setbacks?
Have you ever walked a meander? Do you know what makes it different from a typical puzzle maze?
Puzzle mazes are composed of a series of overlapping passageways with optional twists and turns and various dead-end sections. They are designed to be confusing and difficult to navigate. Mazes typically have entrance and exit points along their perimeter, and optional turns-offs along the way that allow you to make choices and move about as you wish.
A meander is a different kind of a maze, with one distinct path in towards an assured destination and the very same path back out. There are no optional turns or choices along the way, only the option to forge ahead or move backward and retrace your exact steps. The path of a meander may take you in towards the center and back out again several times, but eventually it will lead to a designated culmination point where you are invited to briefly pause and reflect upon your journey before heading back out. If you’re here for the fancy terminology, a meander is a unicursal maze, and it only has one solution.
There is spiritual significance to the design of a meander which varies from culture to culture, but generally likens it to the path of the soul’s journey.
When applied to our mental health, meanders can remind us that even when we encounter twists, turns, or perceived setbacks in life and seem to be moving away from our intended destination, there is no need to question whether we are lost. We can learn to trust that the steps we are taking are the “right” steps simply because we are taking them.
Sometimes in therapeutic work we invite participants to engage in meander walks, encouraging them to meditate on a question or current concern as they move through, paying special attention to the deepening in their processing that occurs as they progress towards the center. The pace is deliberate and slow, to support mindfulness and reflection along the way.
The other symbolism worth noting is that the spiraling shape of a meander depicts a realistic path for our psychological growth over time. Western models often depict linear representations of growth (i.e. the developmental stages, the relationship escalator, the stages of grief) when in reality our experience is more akin to the twists and turns of a unilateral maze. We may seem to revisit the same themes and patterns over and over again at various points in our life, but each time from a slightly different position, offering us a slightly different perspective.
What do you think? Has your healing path felt linear and straightforward or more like a meander?
Take some time to reflect.
The thespians out there will know where this idea comes from… “yes, and” is pretty much the bread and butter of improvisation. What it means is, when someone throws a statement or a prompt at you during an improvised scene (ex: “I can’t believe you punched a hole through my wall!”), you first AGREE (“I DID punch a hole through your wall”), and then you add something new to the scene (“and I did it because I found out that you were draining money from my bank account!”)
In improv, if you were to disagree rather than responding with a yes (ex: “I don’t know what you are talking about, I never punched a hole through your wall”), the scene loses energy and comes to a halt. Likewise, if you skip the “and” part and nothing new is added, the scene becomes stagnant and doesn’t go anywhere.
Let’s talk about how this rule can be applied to life.
Much of our suffering comes from our resistance to accepting whatever circumstance we find ourselves in. Ever gotten stuck in the denial stage of grief? That’s exactly what I’m talking about. Mindfulness invites us to embody non-judgmental acceptance, and improv teaches us exactly how to do that. We say “yes! and…”, acknowledging our present circumstance and then figuring out what we need to add to it in order to move our lives forward.
Saying yes, and accepting challenging circumstances is a lot tougher in life than it is in an improv scene, to be sure, but the practice is no less valuable. This is the practice that builds resilience. This is the practice that helps us to bounce back from setbacks or perceived setbacks quicker, and potentially stronger than we were before.
And here’s one more tool to apply to your life, Tina Fey’s final rule of improvisation:
“There are no mistakes, only opportunities”
“The comeback is always greater than the setback” – unknown
I can see the appeal of this quote, offering hope and optimism we can grasp onto while going through whatever disappointment, frustration, or despair we are facing as a result of a setback.
That said, the comeback is only greater than the setback if we decide it’s going to be.
Overcoming setbacks takes more than patience and the ability to cope with difficult feelings, it takes ACTION. Decide your comeback is going to be epic, and then act accordingly.
We may not always be in control of our circumstances but we do get to control how we respond to them, and what steps we take next or whether we even keep stepping.
Keep stepping. Keep fighting. Keep going.
