Managing Limerence

What is limerence?

More and more I hear the word limerence being dropped in therapy sessions. The term was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the book Love and Limerence back in the 1970s, and it generally refers to the kind of infatuation or obsessive fixation we can have on people when our hearts are involved. Although limerence isn’t a diagnostic term, it does seems to be resurfacing in conversation in the mental health community.

So what is limerence? How does it skew our perception of our relationships? Who does it impact? How can we be mindful of it and work with it?

Read on for some ideas to get you started…

Limerence, Love & NRE

The distinction between these terms may seem inconsequential, but in my experience things start to go awry when people justify actions driven by limerence by proclaiming them to be acts of love.

An important distinction: The primary focus of love is on the other person while the focus of limerence is on oneself.

I dive more into a working definition of love later, so for now let’s focus on limerence. The experience of limerence is all about longing and anticipation. With limerence, there is a fixation on not just another person, but the sensation of wanting something from or with that person. There is a strong desire for reciprocation, and an obsession with that fantasy that feels uncontrollable and all-consuming. Think of limerence as a state of obsessive infatuation.

Some say that this describes typical NRE (new relationship energy)

Dorothy Tennov who coined the term limerence and the Gottman’s famous for their research and clinical work with couples both consider limerence to be the first phase of falling in love. I would argue that the many experiences of NRE are somewhat less intense. Sure, when entertaining the beginning stages of a relationship our thoughts might be pulled to the other person and fantasies of what could be, but most often we are able to have that experience while still attending to daily responsibilities and functioning in our lives. Limerence completely engrosses us, tunes everything else out, and is often accompanied by physical symptoms such as sweating, shakiness and heart palpitations.

The degree to which we experience limerence at the beginning of new relationships is likely influenced by factors such as past trauma, attachment styles, neurodivergence, scarcity mindset, and various mental health conditions. Rather than pathologizing your symptoms at the start of a new relationship, work on observing and monitoring them. With love, limerence fades and mutual trust-building begins. With pure limerence, the longing and obsession continues to develop and evolve.

The Stages of Limerence

When conceptualizing limerence, Dorothy Tenov identified three distinct stages: Infatuation, crystallization & deterioration.

Stage One: Infatuation

During this phase, a deep interest begins to develop and the target person becomes an object of desire. Fantasies begin, and an intense fixation on the sensation of longing for reciprocity takes hold.

Stage Two: Crystallization

At this point the obsession intensifies, and symptoms become more severe and difficult to manage. The target individual is often put on a pedestal and seen as infallible, perhaps even the “answer” to resolve all of the limerent person’s problems. Emotions are heightened during this stage, causing the limerent person to feel euphoric after seemingly small interactions with their object of desire, or very low/ dejected after perceived misses.

Another defining feature of this stage is the loss of integrity and moral compass experienced by the limerent person. The obsession becomes so strong that it becomes near impossible to ground into a sense of self and remember or act in a way that upholds one’s own values & beliefs.

Stage Three: Deterioration

Just like NRE, limerence doesn’t last. The image of perfection placed on the object of desire begins to crack, and so too does the obsession. Intense loss, disappointment, and even resentment can accompany this phase, in response to the realization that the relationship is in fact unattainable and the person is not the image of perfection once perceived.

Relief and a sense of peace may also be experienced during the deterioration phase. It is often liberating to feel an obsession losing grip, and empowering to regain a sense of control over one’s thoughts and actions. Sometimes people will find new objects of affection to fixate on, other times they will redirect attention to their own growth and healing, using their experience with limerence to inform the inner-work that they attend to.

Love as an Act of Will

This quote, referenced by Bell Hooks in All About Love and inspired by the work of Erich Fromm, originates from psychiatrist M. Scott Peck’s book The Road Less Traveled.

We’ve talked about limerence, and even explored the idea that limerence is thought by some to be the first stage of love. So what is the difference between limerence and love? How does love develop differently than limerence?

Bell Hooks, Erich Fromm and Scott Peck all agreed that love has a spiritual component. If we consider love to be an act of will nurturing spiritual growth, the difference from limerence becomes clear. Limerence is all about obsession and infatuation, and as explored above often involves losing sight of one’s ethical foundation. The focus of limerence is never on nurturing the object of affection for the sake of their (or even our own) growth, rather winning them over to respond to or resolve one’s personal feelings of longing and desire.

I also appreciate the distinction of love being an act of will. The obsessive quality of limerence leaves little room for free will, and is better characterized by a lack of control. As limerence develops self-control continues to dwindle. As love develops, control is exercised in service of honoring and nurturing a reciprocal, consensual relationship.