By Melisa De Seguirant, LPC, LMFT ~ July 2024
Navigating Transitions in Ethical Non-Monogamy
So many transitions! Embracing an ethically non-monogamous relationship structure typically involves committing to navigating a LOT of change!
REFLECT
What is your relationship to change? Do you pay attention to the transitions between activities in your day to day life? How do you typically respond to larger-scale transitions like moves and interpersonal changes?
The transition from monogamy to ethical non-monogamy can be as challenging as it is rewarding, if not navigated with intention.
A few ideas for a smoother transition:
- Get clear on your “why” for opening up
- Start having regular relationship check-ins, even before you open things up
- Recruit help from professionals (therapists, coaches, etc.)
- Befriend & consult with others who are ethically non-monogamous and have been through similar relationship transitions
- Make self reflection and self care a priority
I
n the therapy space, I find that one of the most commonly talked about transitions in ethical non-monogamy is the entry of new partners into the relational unit.
This transition has the potential to bring up insecurities and concerns regardless of the length of time the other relationships have been established.
If you find yourself on-edge and having a hard time warming up to the idea of a new metamour, or you are hesitant about bringing someone new into the unit yourself, it’s OK that these feelings are present. Take a moment to slow down, breathe, and come back to center.
Part of the reason for activation around new partners is that they represent a shakeup of the status-quo, the homeostasis that the relational unit has created. In short, it means that things are gonna change, and we don’t always love it.
If you didn’t fully engage the reflection topic above, I invite you now to consider your relationship to change. What does it stir up for you? What physical sensations, what emotions, and what memories do you have related to change? How about the beliefs, thoughts, and assumptions that arise when you think about the changes you have experienced across your lifetime?
…Knowing what has the potential of getting triggered for you will inform what may be helpful for you specifically in welcoming new partners and metamours into your life.
When introducing or welcoming in new partners and metamours:
- Take baby steps & move with intention (though DO take steps and don’t stand still!)
- Communicate about your feelings and any related requests with your partners at your relationship check-ins
- Discuss expectations with regards to integration & metamour relationships
- Plan decompression time after first, second, third and even fourth meetings of new people
- Find others to process your feelings with, besides just your partners!
- Be gentle with yourself
- Give everyone the benefit of the doubt while you ALL work to build trust together!
To be clear, this is also true for many monogamous relationships. Still, staying in touch with exes seems to be somewhat of a deviation from the norm, so let’s explore it further!
In ethical non-monogamous circles and the queer community as well, it is relatively commonplace to maintain friendship or some other form of connection with our exes. This is probably due in part to the smallness of the community … I’ve heard it joked about in sessions before, “if you’re not gonna be friends with your exes then who are you gonna be friends with?!”
An additional reason for staying in touch with exes in non-monogamy lies in the framework itself. Look up the Relationship Anarchy Smörgasboård by Maxx Hill for reference. Many non-monogamous people use this model or a similar systems-based framework to conceptualize their various relationships. Through this lens, when a romantic or sexual connection ends, it does not follow that all other facets of the relationship must necessarily come to an end as well.
In simpler terms, just because the romantic piece doesn’t work out doesn’t mean the entirety of the relationship needs to be tossed away.
Adding to this, building a supportive ENM community is often such a value for people who practice ENM, that the impulse is to try to maintain connection with former partners even after the romantic or sexual connection ends. In some instances the relationship actually deepens at this point– stripping away the expectations and roles that weren’t working allows for the true strengths of the relationship to shine.
Of course, there will be times (especially when abusive dynamics are present) when continuing any form of connection with a former partner would be detrimental to our health or safety. Rather than putting a value judgment on staying friends with exes and making it a specific goal, I encourage intentional, honest reflection about the viability and health of our relationships post breakup.
Intentional transitions FTW.
#openrelationships #ethicalnonmonogamy #polyamory #relationshipanarchy #relationshiptransitions
Melisa is a licensed psychotherapist practicing in the states of Oregon and California, and specializing in working with individuals within the queer, polyamorous/ ethically non-monogamous and neurodivergent communities.