By Melisa De Seguirant, LPC, LMFT ~ Aug 2024
Navigating Partner Integration in Ethical Non-Monogamy
REFLECT
What has your experience with integration in ethical non-monogamy been like? Have your partners met your other partners? What have your metamour experiences been like? Is integration important to you? Why or why not?
What do you wish you would have known at the beginning of your ENM journey about integration that you know now?
Are you wanting to pursue higher levels of integration in your non-monogamous relationship system but not sure where to start?
Successful non-monogamous systems have solid foundations and healthy roots. As Jessica Fern suggests in Polysecure (2020), this involves each member of the unit getting clear on their “why” for engaging in ethical non-monogamy, as well as the “why” for each of their relationships.
So WHY integration? As explored yesterday, integrating the various relationships/ partnerships is not the goal of every non-monogamous person or every non-monogamous unit, but it does come with some solid benefits, namely more transparency, less stigma, and a wider system of support.
When all members of a polycule can coexist, the real magic of non-monogamy happens. The process becomes less about working through triggers, fears, and insecurities (although of course, these can arise and be dealt with at any time), and more about learning, growth, and connection.
Truth be told, integrating partners isn’t always easy or comfortable, especially when one or more individuals in the unit are working through attachment insecurity or releasing monogamous programming. Check out some of the tips & considerations from the slides above and start small.
Maybe you’ve heard of the polycule dream…
You know, the one where you and all of your partners and metamours live together on shared property, tend to the land together and raise your fur families or maybe even human families in one big happy unit?
This isn’t just a dream, it’s actually a reality for many non-monogamous people!
That said, this is not a realistic goal for every non-monogamous person, or every non-monogamous unit.
If you are looking to create this kind of intentional community within your ENM unit, it is important to be clear about that goal from the jump as you begin to form relationships. Clearly communicating your intentions will help to avoid mismatched integration desires down the road.
And while you may have beautiful hopes and dreams for a smoothly integrated polycule, it is also important to have reasonable expectations and room for things to shift and change over time. Just because everyone in the unit is on board with the dream doesn’t mean everyone’s timing or process for getting there will look the same. Adopting some flexibility and allowing space for people in the unit to continue to grow, learn about themselves, shift, even change their minds is important.
REFLECT
What are your polycule goals? When is the last time you discussed them with your partners? How about with your metamours? …is it time for a relationship check-in?
Let me clarify what I mean by “stable”…
When I suggest looking to stable examples of non-monogamous units, I mean looking at examples of non-monogamous configurations where mindfulness is practiced, strong communication skills are used and clear relational agreements and check-ins are in place. These non-monogamous units demonstrate the ability to respectfully repair and stay connected through conflict, and understand that challenges, jealousy, insecurity, and changes/ shifts in the relational unit are to be expected and worked through, not feared or avoided.
Having a regular dinner and hangout with all of your partners and metas might not be the goal for you in your non-monogamous journey, but the tools and practices people who operate in those kinds of tight-knit polycules can still help you along the way.
Here’s what they are (most likely) doing:
- Self-reflecting
- Checking-in with their partners
- Updating & renegotiating relationship agreements
- Refining their coping & distress tolerance skills
- Communicating when they need support
- Discussing transitions before they happen
- Viewing themselves as an integral part of a larger system
- Giving others the benefit of the doubt
- Learning to lean on others for support
- Exploring their jealousy as it arises, and addressing whatever need to be addressed in their own connections
- Breathing, meditating, coming back to center
Melisa is a licensed psychotherapist practicing in the states of Oregon and California, and specializing in working with individuals within the queer, polyamorous/ ethically non-monogamous and neurodivergent communities.