Exploring Demisexuality
How comfortable are you explaining demisexuality?
What is demisexuality? What are some misconceptions about it? How can it be challenging for people to navigate?
Scroll through the gallery to get some preliminary ideas, then keep reading!
Demisexuality is often misunderstood. Let’s do some myth busting!
MYTH: Demisexuals don’t like sex
Wrong! Demisexuals simply need to feel an emotional connection with another person before they experience sexual desire
MYTH: Men can’t be demisexual
Just flat out not true!
MYTH: People just say they are demisexual to get attention
Demisexuality can be pretty confusing to explain… I can’t for the life of me imagine why anyone would voluntarily step into that conversation if they didn’t actually identify as demisexual! Many demisexual people actually choose not to disclose their identity simply to avoid conversation about it
MYTH: All demisexual people are repulsed by casual sex
Some demisexual people may be repulsed by casual sex, but not all. In fact, despite not experiencing specific desire some demisexuals do actually engage in casual sex, just like some asexual people do engage in partnered sex. For those that find themselves repulsed at the idea of casual sex, their repulsion may not extend to other people (i.e. they may be supportive of others who engage in it while not interested themselves). Furthermore, their repulsion may be due to other factors besides their demisexuality… it’s not so clear-cut
MYTH: Demisexuals aren’t kinky
Guess again…
INVITATION ~ Assume nothing & embrace a beginner’s mind!
The demisexual community is incredibly diverse, and outward expressions of demisexuality will vary.
One way to think about this is to borrow the concept of identity versus expression typically used in conversations about gender.
With regards to sexual interest/ desire, demisexual people may feel differently on the inside than what they seem to outwardly present. Some demisexual people will appear outwardly sexually bold or forward while internally still needing to build an emotional connection before desire for partnered sex kicks in. Others may appear sexually reserved at the outset, only becoming more forward and sexually embodied once a deep connection with someone has been formed.
In short, what you see is not always what you get!
Make no assumptions, keep an open mind, practice explicit consent and make room for desire to grow and change.
In conversations about demisexuality, emotional depth and familiarity often take the spotlight and attunement gets forgotten.
What is emotional attunement? When someone is emotionally attuned, they demonstrate strong awareness about another person’s emotional state and in-the-moment needs, and they respond accordingly.
This doesn’t involve anticipating every need, and it ought not take the place of advocacy for one’s own needs. Instead, the intention behind emotional attunement is to demonstrate awareness and care. When done well, it creates a climate of emotional trust and closeness, just what demisexuals crave from sexual partners.
Physical attunement can be an extension of emotional attunement, and is especially important to consider in demisexual sex. When I reference physical attunement, I am talking about the ways in which our body language and physical proximity to others reflects our level of awareness and consideration. Examples of physical attunement might be adjusting your seat back if you notice the other person leaning away to get space. Making eye contact before throwing a ball to someone. Asking for permission before touching someone or going in for a handshake or a hug.
Physical attunement creates moments of connection, reinforces safety and promotes bodily autonomy.
When others consistently demonstrate this active respect, and empower demisexual people to set their own physical, emotional, and sexual boundaries, space is created for desire to grow.
Attraction vs Desire…
Part of where people misstep in attempting to understand demisexuality, is in making the assumption that sexual attraction and desire are the same thing or go hand in hand.
Attraction and desire are different. Sexual attraction can be defined as experiencing sexual appeal or arousal, whereas sexual desire indicates actual desire to sexually engage.
To be clear, sexual attraction can exist even in the absence of sexual desire.
Some demisexual people experience varying degrees of sexual attraction even before an emotional connection is built, however do not experience desire until the emotional foundation is there. Others need the emotional connection to experience attraction at all.
Demisexuals are also not the only people who experience differences between their sexual attraction and desire… this is common for people regardless of their orientation.
The theme this week is a resounding, “drop all assumptions”. Get curious about yourself and others, and be open to learning all of the unique ways that people feel sexual attraction & desire, releasing your judgment, agenda and shame.
#demisexual #demisexuality #demisexualpride
