Practicing Active Listening
What is the impact of active listening?
When people feel heard and understood, their defenses lower. When defenses are lowered, space for effective communication is created.
Curious to know more? Read on!
Listening to understand…
Oftentimes, especially when excited or when navigating conflict, we listen only to plan our next response. While it’s true we have valuable perspectives to contribute, if we’re constantly focused on planning our next response we are likely to miss pieces of what is being communicated along the way.
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If you are having trouble tracking all of the other person’s points, or are finding that you aren’t able to get a word in edgewise, see if you can pause the conversation and communicate this!
See if you can verbalize a related request, for example:
“Can we pause for a moment? I’m getting lost in what you are saying and I want to make sure I’m understanding. Can we slow down and go back to your point about … ? I think you were trying to say … is that what you meant?”
or…
“I can tell there is a lot that you want to say, but I’m finding myself starting to get frustrated because I haven’t had an opportunity to respond. Can I voice a few things now?”
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IMPORTANT ~ We can’t judge people’s listening skills or understanding by their agreement with our conclusion, or even our point of view. It is possible for people to listen, understand and still disagree and have a different perspective. Try actively listening to them to see if you can understand where they are coming from, then collaboratively discuss how to move forward.
IMPORTANT: There is no one “RIGHT WAY” to communicate!
One of the issues with promoting and teaching communication skills, is that we sometimes inadvertently reinforce the idea that there is only ONE “right way” of communicating. This leaves little room for variation, and creates an unhelpful power dynamic whereby the person who happens to know the technique is suddenly deemed the expert in the situation.
So let’s be clear, there are NUMEROUS ways to communicate, and communication styles differ based on a variety of factors! Everyone has different experiences and needs related to giving, receiving and processing information.
Let’s highlight my fellow neurospicy followers for a moment… How many of you find that you listen, hear, or communicate better when you are not forced to make eye contact with the person you are talking with? How about if you are allowed to fidget with something, move your body, or take a walk during the conversation? Too frequently people are chastised for doing the very things that actually help them listen and attend to what the other person is saying.
Prioritize the being heard and understood part and try to release rigidity about how that happens.
Ask clarifying questions!
Clarifying questions are a key component of active listening!
Clarifying questions are neutral in attitude, and are intended to verify understanding of what someone is saying. By contrast, loaded questions tend to be judgmental in nature, indirectly communicating OUR stance or opinion. They don’t come from a place rooted in genuine interest in understanding, they presume a certain answer and lead the other person in that direction. Loaded questions essentially cut the other person off, provoking them to respond to our subtext and go into defensive mode.
Clarifying questions sound like:
“Are you meaning _____?”
“What is the takeaway here you want me to know?”
“Can you give me an example?”
Loaded questions sound like:
“When did you stop caring about everyone else’s point of view?”
“Are you seriously telling me that you believe that was a good idea?”
“Do you enjoy pissing me off?”
REFLECT ~
Before you ask a question, pause to consider your intention. Is your question nonjudgmental and intended to clarify meaning? If not, make an “I” statement instead:
“I am having a hard time believing what you are saying”
“I am tired of not feeling considered”
“I’m sick of this pattern we have where we’re constantly getting angry with one another”
#activelistening #listeningskills #communication #relationships #therapystuff
Curious to know more? Check out this guide!
