Managing Your Cognitive Distortions
The principles from cognitive psychology continue to be a backbone in establishing mental wellness. Our patterns of thinking have a great deal of impact on how we feel.
Have you heard of cognitive distortions? Are you aware of which ones you fall into most easily, and what triggers them? How do you manage to address them when you notice them taking hold?
Are you familiar with the different cognitive distortions, aka unhelpful patterns of thinking?
All-or-nothing thinking
Also referred to as polarized thinking, binary thinking or black & white thinking, all-or-nothing thinking is when the brain jumps from one extreme to another, leaving little to no room for nuance and the gray area. Things are either perfect or terrible, ideas are either brilliant or idiotic, extremely valuable or completely worthless. One extreme or the other, no middle ground.
Catastrophizing
When our brains catastrophize, they blow things out of proportion to the actual stressor and assume / imagine the worst possible outcome. “If I fail this test then nobody will ever hire me again and I’ll be out of work for the rest of my life”.
Should statements
Oof! The shoulds. Where are my religious trauma survivors at? Ever been in a shame spiral thinking about what you think you “should” be doing? How many of you experienced this during the initial lockdown part of COVID? Should statements seem helpful in that they appear to attempt to direct us towards morally sound or otherwise beneficial choices, however they are steeped in shame and obligation. Instead of “should”, try “could”. It may be a starting point for reframing these kinds of thoughts, offering more space for choice and less room for shame spirals.
Overgeneralizing
“EVERYTHING is terrible!”, “The whole world sucks!”, “I can’t do ANYTHING right!”. Are you getting the gist of it? Overgeneralizing at first glance can seem a lot like catastrophizing, in that the response seems to be out of proportion to the actual stressor. The difference here is that instead of simply jumping to the worst possible conclusion, the mind makes broad sweeping statements, attributing whatever negative feeling is present to every other possible situation that feels even remotely similar. “Every date I go on is going to be a total disaster”, “Nobody will ever be able to make me feel understood”, “Everything I do is doomed to fail”.
Personalizing
Yes, taking things personally is actually an unhelpful way of thinking. Personalization happens when we automatically assume someone else’s emotions or behaviors are about us. It’s placing blame on ourselves when the situation is something that truly is not our fault or within our control. Equally problematic is shirking blame for things we actually do have some responsibility in. This is where I see a lot of clients get confused … “What is my fault and what isn’t?” If you are caught up in this question, it might be a good idea to get some outside perspective on the situation.
Mental filter
The mental filter is exactly how it sounds … It’s the filter in your mind that all of your experiences go through and it is biased, typically allowing only the most negative aspects of things through to your conscious thoughts. When we are using too much of a mental filter, we are viewing the situation through a skewed lens rather than for what it actually is.
Dismissing the positive
Dismissing the positive is often part of the mental filter described above, but with a specific focus on actively discounting the positive aspects that are present. Sometimes the positive is outright rejected as “not counting”, otherwise it’s simply downplayed or ignored.
Cognitive labeling
Many of us humans love a good pattern, and most of us are taught from a young age how to label and categorize things, even people. Cognitive labeling describes the automatic judgments we form about ourselves and others, based on the behaviors we encounter. For example, labeling ourselves as a “failure” after we get dumped, or deciding someone is “rude” for not making eye-contact during a conversation.
Jumping to conclusions
This one is just as it sounds … jumping to conclusions about things or people based on limited information. Oftentimes the conclusions we jump to are negative in nature, but there are certainly times when people assume the best in situations where they could actually benefit from being a bit more cautious.
Mind reading
One conclusion people frequently jump to is the assumption that they know what other people must be thinking. We often assume people are thinking about us, and thinking the worst. In relationships our insecurities can cause us to cut people off mid-sentence to interject, convinced we knew what the other person was going to say. As with most assumptions, we’re not often right.
Fortune telling
Another assumption-based cognitive distortion, fortune telling is characterized by thinking that we know what is going to happen in the future, and usually we assume it to be negative. We may make assumptions about what will happen or how we will feel in certain situations, in ways that do not serve us and may even become self-fulfilling prophecies if we aren’t mindful.
REFLECT: Which ones do you struggle with the most?
“After Miranda used the ‘s’ word twice, I wondered if ‘should’ was another disease plaguing women. Did we want babies and perfect honeymoons, or did we think we should have babies and perfect honeymoons? How do we separate what we could do from what we should do?
And here’s an alarming thought– It’s not just peer pressure, it seems to be coming from within.
Why are we should-ing all over ourselves?”
(Sex and the City, Season 6, Episode 15 “Catch-38”)
REFLECT
When do you find yourself using shoulds? When do you use them on yourself? How does it make you feel? What is the impact?
When do you inflict them upon others?
What is at the root of your shoulds? Are they based on your values? Faith? Age expectations? Gender expectations? Societal norms in general? Who did you learn these shoulds from? Where did they learn them?
What are you afraid will happen if you let the shoulds go?
What would be different about your life if you replaced should with could?
I am rounding out this exploration of cognitive distortions and maladaptive ways of thinking by bringing us back home to mindfulness.
Learn to notice the space between you and your thoughts. Practice witnessing your thoughts, from as much of an emotionally neutral stance as you can muster in the present moment. Notice your feelings, and your feelings about your feelings. Notice the stories you are telling yourself about the situation you are in, and consider what other stories might exist.
In short, learn to be curious with your thoughts, and as the saying goes,
“Don’t believe everything you think!” -Robert Fulghum
(Quote from “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten”, by Robert Fulghum, and also used in Joseph Nguyen’s book, “Don’t Believe Everything You Think: Why Your Thinking is the Beginning & End of Suffering”)
